Adjustment, Bonding and Attachment

Attachment issues are huge in adoption. Period.

Here's a brief (very brief) introduction. A lot could be said, and I will likely say a lot regarding attachment.

I don’t claim to know a ton about attachment and bonding, but we have read a fair amount on the subject and tried to prepare ourselves for anything. If you are waiting for your adoption to be completed right now, spend some time reading about attachment. Even babies must learn to attach. They have to learn to see their parents as a special and significant relationship, not just a caregiver.

When Adoption Fails - The Gospel is Denied

Wonderful little reflection by Dr. Mohler...

The wonder of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is this — not one of us is worthy of adoption. In our sinfulness, not one of us has any claim on the Father’s love, much less a right to adoption. But, the infinitely rich mercy of God is shown us in Christ, in whom believers are adopted by the Father. And this adoption, thanks be to God, is eternal and irreversible.

We have been given adoption as a gift and as a sign of the Gospel. The adoption of any child is a portrait of God’s grace. Just as every earthy marriage points in some way to the marriage supper of the Lamb, every adopted child is a pointer to the Gospel. Thus, any failure in adoption is a slander to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

When adoption fails — whatever the reason — the Gospel is denied.

Read the whole thing

Understanding Post-Adoption depression

Helpful Article: Understanding Post-Adoption Depression.

The research, published in this month’s Western Journal of Nursing Research, found that the depression experienced by adoptive parents often stemmed from unmet or unrealistic expectations of the parenting experience.

One reason is that during the adoption process, prospective parents go to great lengths to prove they will be fit parents. After the adoption, some struggle with the fact that they aren’t the “superparents” they promised to be, Dr. Foli said.

“Parents who go through the adoption process have financial disclosures, a home study, there is an interview by a social worker — they are really opened up,” Dr. Foli explained. “You become a persuader that indeed you’re not just going to be an O.K. parent but a ’superparent.’ But there is no perfect parent. You’re a regular parent, yet there is that disconnect between what you expected to happen and what does happen.”

Insightful.

Read the whole thing.

HT: Adoptive Dads

I'll Just Keep Praying

A touching post over at Adoptive Dads:

“Dear God,

Please help Shawn find a family soon – one where he will have a brother and sister, and maybe even a pet or two. Help his new family to treat him well and to be patient with him as he heals from his past hurts. Help him to do well in school and to make lots of friends.

I love you Jesus, Amen.”

This is the prayer that my 8 year old, Grant, prayed last night. He, along with lots of other kids at IBC (our church), is praying for children in foster care. Not just children generally – he’s praying for specific kids. Last night was Shawn. Tonight he will pray for Ian and Cheyenne.

After he finished praying I scratched his back and sang his favorite song, Amazing Grace – first and last stanza, just like I learned it in the Baptist church growing up. Then Grant rolled over and looked at me. I couldn’t tell if there were tears in his eyes, or if he was just really tired. He said, “Daddy, I am going to pray for Shawn until he gets his family. How long will that be?”

Shawn is eight years old, and I know the statistics all too well. I didn’t want to answer. “Hopefully not too much longer,” I said.

“Will it be next week?” he asked.

“No, probably not,” I replied.

“Ok. I’ll just keep praying,” he said.

Shouldn’t we all.

Read the whole thing...

Adoption is Redemption

I LOVE this little tidbit...

My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can’t even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like Dimitri will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to him … but … he will live in the fruit of it. As his Daddy, I will never expect him to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch him live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being an heir in my family. This is how our heavenly “Papa” feels towards us.

- Derek Loux

HT: (Z)

"I don't want my children to be happy"

A letter from a Mom to her toddler kids:

Recently we were told by people whom we love and respect why they oppose our plans to adopt. One of the reasons given was that we would not be able to pay for your college education.

It's true.

You all have college funds - college funds which recently took a terrible hit - but "they" say that by the time you're 18, college will cost anywhere between $200,000 to half a million dollars each. You might as well know now, we won't be covering that. I'm telling you now, babies.

The people said that the day would come when you would look at us with resentment because you had to apply for school loans while many of your friends got a free ride from their parents.

Maybe you will. Maybe you'll resent us. I really hope not. But maybe I should tell y'all now why your dad and I have decided to do what we are doing.

Read the whole thing

HT: Z

Creating a Culture of Adoption in the Church

Creating a Healthy Adoption Culture in Your Church from Tapestry on Vimeo.

Tony Dungy on Adoption and being Pro-Life

Always Room for One More from Family First on Vimeo.

HT: Z

Adopted (7) - C.J. Mahaney

This is humbling...

Reflect on this: God had a Son—a perfect Heir.

Which means that under the shadow of the ancient custom:

Your adoption was unnecessary.

My adoption was unnecessary.

Read this short post here.

Every Child is a Wanted Child

Greg Koukl:

Why is the life of an unwanted child ugly? What makes an unwanted child's life miserable? That's the question.

The initial answer is, "The unwanted child's life is not beautiful because she's not wanted." But it goes deeper than that, doesn't it? No child's life is miserable simply by the bare fact that she is unwanted. Being unwanted doesn't make her life miserable. In this case, it isn't a what which makes the child's life miserable (being unwanted), but rather a who that makes the child's life miserable (the people, the adults, the parents who don't want the child). You see, people are miserable not because of the conditions of their conception, but rather because of the way others treat them afterwards.

 Read the whole thing here.

Father of the Fatherless: Women Approaching God as Father

Back in 2000, Mary Kassian wrote this article for CBMW titled "Father of the Fatherless: Women Approaching God as Father." Here are a few brief excerpts.

Does every child need a father? Increasingly, our society's answer to this question is no, or at least not necessarily. Each night, about forty percent of American children will go to sleep in homes in which their fathers do not live.1 And not only have we as a society lost the presence of fathers, we have lost something more fundamental: We have lost our idea of fatherhood. We are living in a culture of fatherlessness.

The human need to be well-fathered is illustrated by the enormous response to Bob Carlisle's ballad, Butterfly Kisses. Butterfly Kisses is a song that speaks of the tender love between a father and his daughter. Reflecting upon the song's phenomenal success, Bob Carlisle said, "I get a lot of mail from young girls who try to get me to marry their moms. That used to be a real chuckle because it's so cute, but then I realized they don't want a romance for mom; they want the father who is in that song, and that just kills me."

CJ Mahaney - Part 5

CJ Continues his series on adoption by quoting J.I. Packer

But contrast this, now, with adoption. Adoption is a family idea, conceived in terms of love, and viewing God as father. In adoption, God takes us into his family and fellowship—he establishes us as his children and heirs. Closeness, affection and generosity are at the heart of the relationship. To be right with the God the judge is a great thing, but to be loved and cared for by God the Father is greater.*

Miracle in Franklin

Powerful.



HT: Take Your Vitamin Z

The Facts

Understanding adopting grace will protect us from the enchantment of legalism.

C.J. Mahaney continues his series on Adoption with this entry...

Over the years I have become aware of how easy it is to focus on justification and fail to prioritize the doctrine of God’s adopting grace. Historically, in my own ministry, and in Sovereign Grace in general, we have tended to emphasize the doctrine of justification over adoption. Please don’t misunderstand; we must never teach less on justification. The doctrine of justification must always remain primary because all the saving benefits (including adoption) depend upon justification by faith alone through grace alone in Christ alone.

Justification provides the foundation for adoption. And, rightly understood, justification positions us to fully appreciate adoption. We cannot speak of the Fatherhood of God apart from the cross.

But adoption is also distinct from justification. Without separating them, we need to distinguish between them.

Myths & Realities

Adoptive Dads has a series of posts called "Myths and Realities."

For example:

Myth: All adopted children will experience problems and issues.

Reality: While some adopted children will experience problems and issues, the pervasiveness of such problems is not as significant as is generally assumed. The heart of the matter, however, is that adoptive families have an opportunity to provide a child with unconditional love for a lifetime – and that love has the power to transform the lives of everyone involved.

C.J. Mahaney on Adoption

From "C.J.'s view from the cheap seats"...

My 27 years as the senior pastor of Covenant Life Church were filled with countless joys. Among my happiest memories are the times parents introduced me to their newly adopted children.

Covenant Life, like so many churches, is filled with stories of parents willing to travel to distant lands, to invest thousands of dollars, and sometimes to enter dangerous and impoverished countries with one purpose in mind: to adopt a child.

Meeting these children was a unique joy. Each time I met these adopted children, I felt God’s pleasure. Each time I admired the selflessness and compassion of these parents. And each time I was reminded of the Savior “who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20).

Over the next few weeks, C.J. Mahaney will study the Doctrine of Adoption in his blog. I'm sure it'll be well worth the time to read.

Adopted For Life

The ABBA fund does a great job comparing the adoption of children to our adoption as children of God.

On Monday we received our son’s Decree of Adoption in the mail. This is the document that tells us his adoption is final. Declared. Legal.
...

“It is hereby ordered, adjudged, and decreed by the Court:

(1) That from the date of the entry of this Decree herein, the said minor is declared adopted for life…

...

In light of this, here are some thoughts on our adoption in Christ:

1. You have been “adopted for life”! Eternal life to be exact! Our earthly adoption of our son is only temporary. God’s adoption of us is even greater because it is eternal.
2. You have experienced a complete substitution of family. You have a new family, a new Father, new perfect elder brother (Jesus), and new brothers and sisters (the church!). We may still have responsibilities to our earthly family but our ultimate responsibility is to our heavenly Father and his will and purposes.
3. You are a heir of everything that Christ will inherit!
4. You have the same legal status, rights, obligations as a natural child of God.

Read the whole thing here.

Save us from a selfish adoption.

No updates yet. So, I'll recommend some articles.

I just ran across this excerpt. The whole article is here.

It would seem nearly impossible for one to make the act of rescuing an orphan sinful. However, as someone recently thrust into the process, I have become well aware that adopting offers a myriad of opportunities for sinful behavior. I have even seen adopting Christians forget about the person they are rescuing because they are only concerned with how the process is affecting them at a given moment of delay or difficulty. Blinded by the deceitfulness of sin, what should inherently mean good for another is devoted to the altar of self. Feeling the natural tendency of my own heart, I have had to pray constantly, “Lord save me from turning the adoption of two Ethiopian orphans into an act of self-serving wicked idolatry.”

...

It is true corruption abounds and many requirements may seem arbitrary to us. The process can be grueling when you are relying on folks who may take the rainy season off or may simply decide not to work on a given day, due to a solar eclipse. But, instead of taking on the persona of a pro-wrestler, thumping our chest and saying, “We deserve them because we are better than you!” should we not first remember what’s at stake. Is it just about us getting our kids? Or is it about rescuing children who desperately need a family. The American in general may not be on board with this, but the Christian should be.

HT: Take Your Vitamin Z

Adoption as Cosmic and Missional

Dr. Russel Moore:

Adoption is, on the one hand, gospel. In this, adoption tells us who we are as children of the Father. Adoption as gospel tells us about our identity, our inheritance, and our mission as sons of God. Adoption is also defined as mission. In this, adoption tells us our purpose in this age as the people of Christ. Missional adoption spurs us to join Christ in advocating for the helpless and the abandoned.

As soon as you peer into the truth of the one aspect, you fall headlong into the truth of the other, and vice-versa. That’s because it’s the way the gospel is. Jesus reconciles us to God–and to each other. As we love God, we love our neighbor; as we love our neighbor, we love our God. We believe Jesus in “heavenly things”–our adoption in Christ–so we follow him in “earthly things”–the adoption of children. Without the theological aspect, the emphasis on adoption too easily is seen as mere charity. Without the missional aspect, the doctrine of adoption too easily is seen as mere metaphor.

Dr. Moore is writing a new book for CrossWay, titled Adopted for Life. I'm looking forward to reading it when it comes out. You can pre-order it with that link.

HT: Moore to the Point