Tuesday, March 17, 2009

OK. Now it is.

Well, it seems we have our answer.

Let me explain. No, wait, not enough time. Let me sum up.

Our prayers over the past 24 hours have been that birthmom and dad would be in agreement, and that this wouldn't escalate into a nasty court battle. We found out just a little bit ago that the caseworker, birthmom and dad met today, and things went very well. Dad is now completely on board with the adoption, and believes its the right direction for them to go. PRAISE GOD! This is an unbelievable answer to prayer.

Together, birthmom and dad have chosen two couples that they want to consider, and we're not one of those couples.

Here's the scoop. We are grieving because this didn't work in our direction, but given all the possibilities that didn't include us, this is the best possible outcome in my mind. Birthmom and Dad agree on this, there is no nasty court battle to come, and the baby will be placed with a good family. We rejoice in those things. God did answer our prayers, in a truly miraculous way. It wasn't quite the way we would have wanted (selfishly), but this is a good thing.

Thank you for all of your prayers the past few days. We have been encouraged by our friends and family who have been standing with us in prayer. I would humbly ask that you keep praying for us - discouragement will be in our lives the next few weeks / months.

Also, keep the birthmom and dad in your prayers. She's 35 weeks along and has been having contractions the past few days. Please pray that they would continue to have unity and peace in this process.

As for us, we're going to complete our homestudy and see what God does. We're not necessarily getting back into pursuing adoption (this is too new to decide for sure), but we want to be ready.

Again, thank you for your prayers and encouragment. We love y'all.

It's not over... yet!

In Tricia's previous post, she said that this was a journey of ups and downs. Sunday was definitely one of the downs.

But, we were unsettled about some things. I'm not even sure that I know all the things we were unsettled about, but there were a lot of unanswered questions for us. So, we did some praying. We decided that we needed to talk to the caseworker and at the very minimum, ask her to explain some things. At the very maximum, ask her if we could meet the birthmom and ask her to reconsider.

So, we called the caseworker. She said that what we were experiencing was typical of people who go through loss. That may be true, but we were experiencing something else. It was a sense that we couldn't just let it end, that this story wasn't written yet. We said that we would like to meet the birthmom, even though she's initially said no. The caseworker then told us that this may turn into a custody battle.

If the birth father doesn't give up his rights, it then proceeds to the courts. When the baby is born, the adoptive parents take custody, and there's a petition for adoption filed. At that point, the father would then challenge the adoption, and a hearing would be set for three to six months out. At that time, he would have to prove to the court that he's a capable father, and the adoptive parents would have to prove he isn't.

The court could rule in either direction, and if the court rules in favor of the father, the adoptive parents would lose custody, and be responsible for the father's legal fees. The birthmom would also lose custody, because she's signed a TPR (Termination of Parental Rights).

The caseworker wanted to know if we'd be up for that. At this point, we're willing to take the risk. This could be a very expensive, long drawn out thing. That is, if she reconsiders and chooses us. That's up in the air.

The caseworker told us that on Monday after the birthmom decided against us, that she gave the birthmom another family to look at, and the birthmom liked them. Later that day, this family called the caseworker and told her they weren't interested. The caseworker told us she's never had this happen before. All these other families are falling through, and even though we've been rejected, we just don't seem to go away. She also said that she's running out of options for adoptive parents.

So, where are we at? We don't know. The caseworker is going to re-present us to the birthmom today and ask her to reconsider. She's also going to meet with the father today, and explain what he'll have to go through, and what he's going to be putting the baby through if he doesn't go along with this adoption. If the birthmom decides she wants to meet us, we'll leave here on Friday and try to meet her over the weekend.

Here's the point. Please pray that the father has a change of heart about this adoption. Our prayer is that God would humble him, and help him to realize that he can't do this as he is right now, and that even if he were to win in a court battle, the state would most likely take the baby right out of his arms at the courthouse anyway. Then, he has no control. Our prayer is that he would see this situation with clarity. Pray (please) that this wouldn't go to court, and that this would be resolved easily. Our prayer is also that the birthmom would seriously reconsider us. Would you join us in praying for these things?

Thank you for your support, encouragement, and your prayers through this whole ordeal. This is where real life happens - in the trenches.

S.D.G
Kyle & Trish

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Ups and Downs

We knew this process would have ups and downs. Right now we're in one of the downs. We just heard from Ben who spoke with the birthmom's grandmother. She said the birthmom didn't seem interested in us because of the distance. We know that God is Sovereign over all things, but selfishly we pray that the birthmom would be okay about the distance and pick us to be the parents for her child. But if that is not the decision that's made, please pray that we would still see God's hand in this and give Him the glory for allowing us to walk through this process.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Update

So, we just talked with the case worker. The other family backed out of this situation on their own. What does all this mean? Well, right now the birthmom only has our profile in her hands for consideration. She could see something in there that she doesn't like, but she could also pick us. All I can say right now is WOW!

Adopted For Life

The ABBA fund does a great job comparing the adoption of children to our adoption as children of God.

On Monday we received our son’s Decree of Adoption in the mail. This is the document that tells us his adoption is final. Declared. Legal.
...

“It is hereby ordered, adjudged, and decreed by the Court:

(1) That from the date of the entry of this Decree herein, the said minor is declared adopted for life

...

In light of this, here are some thoughts on our adoption in Christ:

  1. You have been “adopted for life”! Eternal life to be exact! Our earthly adoption of our son is only temporary. God’s adoption of us is even greater because it is eternal.
  2. You have experienced a complete substitution of family. You have a new family, a new Father, new perfect elder brother (Jesus), and new brothers and sisters (the church!). We may still have responsibilities to our earthly family but our ultimate responsibility is to our heavenly Father and his will and purposes.
  3. You are a heir of everything that Christ will inherit!
  4. You have the same legal status, rights, obligations as a natural child of God.

Read the whole thing here.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Not much news, but some news.

I spoke with the case worker today. She has given the birthmom our profile, and the birthmom will look it over. The case worker said she didn't seem scared off by the fact that we are from Wisconsin. The case worker did say that the birthmom had chosen one family from the set of three that she would like to meet. She suggested to the birthmom that she wait to make a final decision until she's had a chance to look at our stuff.

Also, the family she chose is in the midst of another adoptive possibility - so who knows. The case worker is going to recommend that they pass on our opportunity, and pursue this other one. It sounds like that family needs prayer for wisdom as well. They are going through the Foster Care adoption route, and are scheduled to be placed with a child (22 month old) the very same week that our birthmom is due. The mother of the 22 month old is also due with another child the same week, so there may be two children involved. The case worker doesn't think it's wise to go from nothing to three kids under the age of two in a matter of hours. So...

We don't know much more at this point. Trish is much more encouraged at this point than I am. I guess that I'm fighting the battle of unbelief.

Some other good updates.

  • Birthmom scheduled a doctor's appointment for the next few days.
  • She's also supposed to meet with the family who is offering to take her in rent-free until she gets back on her feet - that meeting is supposed to take place on Saturday.
  • Birthmom approached her boss and asked if she could be transfered to another location to get her out of that particular neighborhood. He said "Yes."
  • Birthmom and Case Worker had a good conversation today about the technical details on adoption.
  • According to the calendar, baby is due May 10th. According to a sonogram (at some point), baby is due the last week of April.
I'm trying to not get too attached, but it's hard.

Thanks for reading!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Our hopes that we shall persevere must be founded, not upon our own strength, for that will fail us, but upon the mercy of God, for that will not fail."
-Matthew Henry

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Preparing for the unknown

About a week ago, Trish and I were living life. I suppose you could say we were content. We were talking about vacations, budgets, and how to not waste Tricia's unemployment. Then, we got the call about the baby. Life became even more unknown.

It's interesting that even though all of life is full of the unknown, it becomes all the more apparent when you begin to think about how to prepare for the unknown. This adoption could go one of many ways. Any number of these scenarios in theory ends up with us being parents. Any number of these scenarios in theory ends up with us not being parents. How do you prepare for that?

Honestly, I have no clue. But, I do know a few things that will help us prepare for whatever lies ahead.

#1. God is Sovereign and interested in His glory. The gospel is a story of adoption. It is the story of how we all rebelled against God, and in His kindness, he adopts back. For the believer, you are adopted into God's household, and given all the benefits of being a born heir. This brings God glory. God cares passionately about adoption... passionately enough to send His one and only son to die a horrific death on the Cross to make the adoption of sinners possible. This is amazing news. Our pursuit of this adoption is not as much about us being parents (though that is something we're excited about), as it is having the opportunity to show a little girl the extent to which God went to adopt sinners like her mom and dad.

#2. "He who did not spare His own son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things." That's a lot of Him's and He's, but it speaks of a God who provides everything needed for a task to which he has called someone. As Christians, we have been called out of the darkness of our sin, and into the light of the Glory of God. We are essentially in conflict with the world around us, and even to some degree ourselves. But, God promises to give us everything we need for life and for Godliness. I am convinced that if He has called me to be an adoptive parent, that he will "graciously give me all things" I need to accomplish the task of parenting to His glory.

#3. The details. As I have said, any number of things could happen, and this adoption could fall through. I'm OK with that. Of course, my preference is that it wouldn't - that it would be a smooth process. But this is messy. That shouldn't scare us off. God brought this opportunity to us. Our job is to be faithful and see where it goes. It may go nowhere. But, it would be wrong of us to ignore it. We may get our hearts broken. That's OK. It'll be an opportunity to grow.

All this to say... we don't know what will happen. But, we know the one who does. And we trust that He will make this crooked path straight.

Thanks for reading.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Still Waiting

Well, the waiting continues. The past couple of days have been difficult for me. I am impatient and want to know what's going on. But as think about all the questions I have and my desire to know what's going on, I am reminded that the world doesn't revolve around me. This situation was dropped into our life. We had no control over this getting to us, why am I trying to control it now? I need to be reminded that God is in control and he will take care of both the birthmom and her baby.

We did hear from Ben tonight. Ben and his wife are inserting themselves into the life of the birthmom. We are extremely grateful for the way they are selflessly investing in this situation.

Please pray that the birthmom would have the courage to get out of her current living situation.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Adoption Tax Credit

Adoptive Parent Cindy writes:

The federal adoption tax credit has made our adoption much more affordable. And we are hoping it will still be around when we complete our adoption so we can take advantage of it. The tax credit is set to expire in December 2010 unless Congress votes to continue it.


Click the button, or the link to read more.

Save us from a selfish adoption.

No updates yet. So, I'll recommend some articles.

I just ran across this excerpt. The whole article is here.

It would seem nearly impossible for one to make the act of rescuing an orphan sinful. However, as someone recently thrust into the process, I have become well aware that adopting offers a myriad of opportunities for sinful behavior. I have even seen adopting Christians forget about the person they are rescuing because they are only concerned with how the process is affecting them at a given moment of delay or difficulty. Blinded by the deceitfulness of sin, what should inherently mean good for another is devoted to the altar of self. Feeling the natural tendency of my own heart, I have had to pray constantly, “Lord save me from turning the adoption of two Ethiopian orphans into an act of self-serving wicked idolatry.”

...

It is true corruption abounds and many requirements may seem arbitrary to us. The process can be grueling when you are relying on folks who may take the rainy season off or may simply decide not to work on a given day, due to a solar eclipse. But, instead of taking on the persona of a pro-wrestler, thumping our chest and saying, “We deserve them because we are better than you!” should we not first remember what’s at stake. Is it just about us getting our kids? Or is it about rescuing children who desperately need a family. The American in general may not be on board with this, but the Christian should be.


HT: Take Your Vitamin Z

Dr. Moore Hates "Sanctity of Life Sunday"

Apparently, I'm enjoying reading Dr. Russel Moore this morning.


I hate Sanctity of Human Life Sunday because I’m reminded that we have to say things to one another that human beings shouldn’t have to say. Mothers shouldn’t kill their children. Fathers shouldn’t abandon their babies. No human life is worthless, regardless of skin color, age, disability, economic status. The very fact that these things must be proclaimed is a reminder of the horrors of this present darkness.

...

We’ll always need Christmas. We’ll always need Easter. But I hope, please Lord, someday soon, that Sanctity of Human Life Day is unnecessary.


Read the whole article.

Adoption as Cosmic and Missional

Dr. Russel Moore:


Adoption is, on the one hand, gospel. In this, adoption tells us who we are as children of the Father. Adoption as gospel tells us about our identity, our inheritance, and our mission as sons of God. Adoption is also defined as mission. In this, adoption tells us our purpose in this age as the people of Christ. Missional adoption spurs us to join Christ in advocating for the helpless and the abandoned.

As soon as you peer into the truth of the one aspect, you fall headlong into the truth of the other, and vice-versa. That’s because it’s the way the gospel is. Jesus reconciles us to God–and to each other. As we love God, we love our neighbor; as we love our neighbor, we love our God. We believe Jesus in “heavenly things”–our adoption in Christ–so we follow him in “earthly things”–the adoption of children. Without the theological aspect, the emphasis on adoption too easily is seen as mere charity. Without the missional aspect, the doctrine of adoption too easily is seen as mere metaphor.


Dr. Moore is writing a new book for CrossWay, titled Adopted for Life. I'm looking forward to reading it when it comes out. You can pre-order it with that link.

HT: Moore to the Point

Adopted is not an Adjective

I heard about a blog today called "Life Together" and decided to check it out. The very first article I saw was called "Adopted is not an Adjective." It quotes Russel Moore.

Dr. Russel Moore:

In Scripture there is no such thing as an adopted child. Adopted is a past tense verb, it is not an adjective. Those who have been brought into the household and family of God are really and truly part of the household of God sharing with their brothers and sisters everything that it means to be in Christ.


HT: Life Together

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The waiting stinks.

I realize that a significant part of this process is waiting. But, the waiting is hard. There's a very big part of us that wants to say "just tell us either way."

But, we've got to remember that there are more people involved than just us. They've got lives. They've got things going on.

The world doesn't revolve around me.

Adoption is greater than the universe.

Piper on Adoption.

I would suggest that you seriously consider not only supporting, but also doing adoption, both spiritually ... and also in terms of finding children who have no mom and dad who could be folded into a family—just like God planned from eternity to fold sinners like us, through Christ, into his everlasting family of joy.




HT: Desiring God Ministries

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Embracing the Grief of Adoption

Last night, we had dinner with some new friends. We've known them for a while, but not all that well - we go to the same church. (We are consistently meeting new people, and asking them how long they've gone to our church. Most of the time we hear answers like "four years.") At one point, Kevin said "Adoption is filled with loss."

There's loss for families who give up a child for Adoption. There's loss for adoptive parents who aren't placed with a child. There's loss for the child.

Here's an article from AdoptiveDads.org that raises this issue.

I was reminded last night of something I already knew, though I often try to forget it. It is one of the more sobering realities of adoption – the fact that there is no adoption without loss and pain . . . and grief.

...

Last night I saw through my son’s tears and heard in his words the deep, heartbreaking grief that lurks in the shadows of adoption. It was an intense sorrow caused by the loss he feels and understands now more than ever before. My son’s grief is for that which never was and for what will never be.
Read the whole thing here.

"I want to be wanted."

The teens who do want to be adopted are working on a deadline: age 18. That's when you "age out" and can no longer be adopted.

Think about how many times since you turned 18 that you have seen your family -- the holidays, birthdays, weddings -- or needed them, financially, emotionally or for advice. More than 55 percent of men and 46 percent of women ages 18 to 24 still live with their parents, according to the U.S. Census in 2002. In Boulder County, that translates to more than 11,000 young adults.
Read the whole article here.

HT: Shaohanna's Hope

Roller Coaster

Well, it seems as though life will be like this picture for a while. That's OK.

Be praying for the birth mom. She's got a tough life, and a lot of tough situations.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

No meeting today

The meeting between the Case Worker and the Birthmom that was to happen today was pushed back. I can't really go into the details, but it is a situation that needs prayer.

Thanks,

Monday, March 2, 2009

A whilrwind weekend.

For the past seven years that Tricia and I have been married, we have often heard of children who were in need. Sometimes this was a physical need, sometimes spiritual, but what has captured our hearts so often have been children who need a home and a family. About two years ago, Tricia and I decided to start down the path of pursuing Adoption.

At any given time, there are about 150,000 kids in the United States that are in Foster Care waiting for adoptive parents. There is a particular need for parents who are willing and able to adopt older children. For every baby that is available for adoption, there are approximately 50 children over the age of five waiting for families. In light of that need, our desire was to adopt a child between the age of 5 and 10.

We had several interviews with several state agencies, and were fairly far into the process - about to get a home study done. Then, we stopped.

At the time, we realized that we really wanted to adopt a child, but we weren't 100% at the same place with it. There were other factors, but to make a very long story short, we decided to hold off on moving any farther forward. That was about a year ago. There really has been no movement, and very little conversation about it in the past year - though we think it's been in the back of our minds.

Yesterday, we received a call from Tricia's mother in Kansas. (This gets a little complicated, so please bear with me as I attempt to explain). Tricia's brother, Travis, had neighbors who have adopted three children. These neighbors are friends with Trish's mom (Doris), and she told them two years ago that we were moving towards adoption. His name is Ben. Ben is an investment advisor. One of his clients has a grand-daughter who is expecting a baby girl in May, and for various reasons has decided to give the baby up for adoption, but didn't know how to proceed. Ben referred her to an agency in Wichita. When Ben's wife heard about this situation, she said "We need to call Doris right now." So, yesterday, we get a call from Tricia's mother - completely out of the blue - telling us about this baby, and that Ben would like to introduce us to the birth mother, and see if it would be a good fit.

Wow.

Here's the deal. We've decided to move forward in faith, and see if this is something that God would have us do. We have not talked about this in a while, and we have not really ever considered adopting a baby. But, we feel that we need to pay attention. This situation found us - we were not looking for it at all. We don't know what will come out of this, but we want to see if God wants us to be a part of this.

We know of no greater way to display the love of Christ in a tangeable way than to provide a home for a child who may not otherwise have one. We are convinced of this. Hosea tells us that "Assyria shall not save us; we will not ride on horses; and we will say no more, ‘Our God,’ to the work of our hands. In you the orphan finds mercy.” James says that "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."

Beyond that, we've been Adopted by God, and Jesus was even adopted by Joseph. Adoption is a part of God's plan, and it is at the core of the Gospel. This is not about us. It's not about a baby. It's not even about adoption - this is about God. This is about the spread of the Gospel to future generations.

I write this e-mail to ask for your prayers. Would you pray for us, that God would give us wisdom. Two months doesn't seem like a whole lot of time, but we know it's plenty of time for the God of the Universe to accomplish what he wants to accomplish. Would you pray that we would discern how we can best serve this situation -- that may or may not be adopting this baby. We don't know. Could you pray that we would come to a quick understanding of the process. At this point, we are also praying for the birth mother. Our prayer is that ultimately through this situation, she would see Christ for who he is. If nothing else, we'd like for a bunch of people to be praying for her.

At this point, there are three other couples that we know of who have been introduced to the birth mother. We'd like to ask you to pray for these couples too. Our prayer is that they would be encouraged through this process.

Please pray! Also, please feel free to ask us any questions you want. We want to be an open book. This is a very exciting, very scary, but faith-building time. This thing could go in any number of directions. We don't know what will happen, but we do have a God who does. We also know that there are several lives that may be forever altered in the next six weeks.